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The Rise and Fall of Lola Martez


Transcription errors can be blamed on Denyer. Not suitable for kids.
BLUE CAPS = Character. Bold = Sub-title. [ green ] = Plot information.

[ FILM: couple cuddled together in bed ]

THE RISE AND FALL OF LOLA MARTEZ

Jack: It's so different with you my love.

Vicky: Is it? You mean that?

Jack: Of course I do, darling. If it wasn't for the kids, I'd leave Susan tomorrow.

Vicky: Oh Jack, I love you so much. [ embrace ] How is it different, Jack, do tell me.

Jack: Susan would never... let me call me call her 'Mummy' while we fucked, and as for letting a goat in... [ there is a bleat, a fake tail waves ] ...baby, you're so good to me!

Vicky: But I thought you valued me as a person, not just as a farm-hand!

Jack: I do, Vicky. I do, it's just—

Vicky: No! It's the same every time! I meet someone nice, and I think we're going to settle down with Bleaty and the dogs, and then... why? Why can't they love me over the animals? I hate you! [ she stabs him repeatedly ]

Jack: Ah! Ah! [ fades off and dies ]

Vicky: Bleaty, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. [ she clasps her bosom ] ...come and have a suck!

[ LOCATION: student house ]

TUESDAY 19th MARCH: ON SET

Stuart: Aaand... cut! Very convincing, Emma. Thank-you very much, Rob. Um, right. Jase, d'you think we need to go through the stab scenes again?

Jason: Fuck yeah! They need to be loads gutsier, meatier... right, you lot take 5, I'm going to the butcher's to get some meat.

Emma: I'm sorry, Stu, Jason, loves, I've gotta go and meet Glenn.

Stuart: Are you two back on again?

Emma: Well...yeah...

Stuart: Fine...right...see you tomorrow at ten...

Emma: Bye... [ Stuart follows her ]

JASON MARSLAND [ over the guy in the gray t-shirt ]

Jason: We're running a little late, y'see. There's only two weeks left to the deadline, and Stu's a little pissed with Emma.

[ shot of background argument ]

STUART PETERSON [ over the guy in the red t-shirt ]

Jason: She's a great actress, really, she's great. Yeah, as you've guessed, probably, I do all the filming, most of the writing, and Stu does, and—

EDDY FINNEY [ over the back of Eddy's head ]

Eddy: Hi!

Jason: —and Eddy... well, we just try to keep... Eddy busy. Get off camera!

Jason: Yeah, oh, the first film... yeah, yeah yeah yeah...

[ shot of background argument ]

EMMA JACKSON [ over the girl who was wearing the headscarf in bed ]

Jason: ...we were in a lecture y'see, and we had this fucking great idea—

Emma: NO!
[ with a loud slap, she leaves and another girl wanders in ]

ALICIA EVANS (Stuart's Girlfriend)


Alicia : What were you two just talking about, then? Look, you'd better not ...have...just...been...

Stuart: Look, no, no... it's alright... look... you know Mark, don't you? He needs help with his documentary production module, and he's doing me and Jason.

[ FILM: guy running across courtyard glancing at his watch ]

JILTED (1999)

Stuart (v/o): The first time me and Jase met, we were in the same 1st year group together. We didn't have the best techy know-how, and not really a sense of what worked well on tape. Kind of embarassing.

[ guy runs into building, sees girl with another guy—there are too many closeups ]

Jason (v/o): Jilted hour... yeah, that was wicked fun, enjoyed it a lot. I wanted some racier scenes, but there wasn't enough time, so we got straight to the death. Banging good laugh though, shame Jules wouldn't get her bits out. Lovely girl, though. Great actress.

[ first guy and girl walk outside ]

Guy: You cheated on me, bitch... and now you must die... bitch...
[ he strangles and stabs her ]

Stuart (v/o): Shame about Julia really... she wouldn't give 100%... lacked a certain... je ne sais quoi...

[ LOCATION: cafeteria ]

JULIA DYER

Julia: Stuart? [ she grimaces ]

[ LOCATION: bar lounge ]

WEDNESDAY 20th MARCH: PRODUCTION MEETING

Stuart: Y'see, for a time, we were going our own way, finding our own direction.

Jason: Fucking bollocks! You were too embarassed to work with me after Christmas!

[ shot of angry + bruised male face ]

Stuart: I really don't think that's got anything to do with—

Jason: I still wanted to work together, wanted to make a film about—

[ closeup shots of meat, wine and other mixed red things ]

Stuart: Jason. Please, look...

Jason: Right, y'see the way it is, is... there was a party round my gaffe at Christmas... I walk into MY kitchen, find him and MY sister Mary...

[ shot of slutty image of girl in red, wearing red lipstick, on a red background ]

It was easier to do a montage... fits more in...


Jason: ...at it. He's so surprised to see me, he thrusts the wrong way a little too hard and snaps himself!

Stuart: For fuck's sake...

Jason: Fucking blood all over the place, it was well funny!

Stuart: Look. I couldn't participate, as I was in Bronglais hospital...

[ shot of red things being crushed with a wine bottle ]

Stuart: ...having an operation.

Jason: So you see... Stuart Little, and Bloody Mary!

[ Stu slaps him and storms off ]

[ FILM: rapid montage of red wine, anger, lipstick & pornography ]

RED (24 mins: Stuart. 2000)

It was easier to do a montage... fits more in...


Stuart (v/o): Experimental? Well, I guess you could call it that. A tad rushed, I'll admit. But I felt that it made a genuine statement about the complicitous nature of society, being homogenised by modern and violent super-sexual bombardment from the main-stream media. You should always write about what you know...

[ LOCATION: university office ]

DR. TIMOTHY BIGGINS-TAYLOR (UWA Film + TV dept.)

Dr Timothy Biggins-Taylor: Could have, uh, used, uh... brutal editing. Very, very brutal editing.

[ FILM: two suited men harass a terrified-looking hobo—the film is extremely short ]

BANG! x3 (4 mins: Jason. 2000)

Jason (v/o): Right, there's this guy... and he rips off some drug-dealers, so they come round and they kill him... I couldn't get any real guns, so I shot round it and used some SFX. But it looks alright, it looked alright in the end. Anyway, look, look...

[ quick flash of unrealistic plastic guns, then to Jason watching film ]

Jason: Bang! Bang! Die, motherfucker, die! I kiiill you! Classic...

[ LOCATION: university office ]

Dr Timothy Biggins-Taylor: Yeah, Jason has shown a real talent for the under-developed... leaving the viewer wanting, and wanting they were...

[ LOCATION: living room with lots of wine, smoke and candles ]

Jason: And then there was this great idea we had...

Stuart: A para-cinematic pastiche of neo... uh, neo-stalker films, intermingled with a satire on consumer culture...

Jason: About crackheads, who turn into zombies, and kill Santa...

Stuart: And we figured we could, like, turn this into a full-blown assault on Christian capitalist hegemony...

Jason: And with girls! In bikinis, in January! Sticking out like JCB starter handles...

Stuart: What would happen if Christmas... just... y'know, wasn't there... world'd fall apart, wouldn't it, if little Johnny didn't get his presents because some fiend had beat him to death with his brutal hands!

[ quick cut to shot of zombies moving in on Santa ]

Stuart: Daddy? Where's my presents? No presents? THEN I MUST KILL, AND ALL MY FELLOWS SHALL KILL WITH ME!

Jason: And defibrillators... bzzt! Bzzt! Bzzt!

Stuart: And if we could portray the systematic abuse of free expression that arises in such situations, then I felt it would have been more worthwhile. Maybe we were over-ambitious.

Jason: I've always wanted to make a film where scallies piss on Santa...

[ FILM: shots of town at Christmas, settling in an untidy house ]

CRACKHEADS AT CHRISTMAS (2000)

Girl: Oh my god, what is Christmas gonna be like without any crack?

Guy: Fucking hard.

Girl: Fuck.

Guy: Fuck.

[ the guy holds out a discovered white lump in his palm ]

Guy: But it might be crack.

Girl: Yeah, it might be but that looks like crystalised dandruff!

[ quick cut to Santa on rooftop, then to guy with crack pipe becoming a zombie ]

(v/o): ...this Christmas...if the kiddies get no presents...

[ the crackhead zombies start chewing on Santa's neck ]

(v/o): ...it's 'cause the fat man bit the big one...

[ shot of zombies opening presents, detective in sunglasses with gun, etcetera ]

(v/o): ...this year...have a very...

[ closeups of zombies howling triumphantly, the groggy Santa getting hit by a passing car as he tries to escape, etcetera ]
No fullsize pic since it's a complete stranger...
(v/o):...zombie...Christmas...

[ closeup on some very scary real children ]

Children: WHERE'S? MY! PRESENTS?!

[ LOCATION: university office ]

Dr Timothy Biggins-Taylor: They were journeying swiftly towards a sound understanding of contemporary cinematics...

Mark (v/o): And... what do you mean by that, sir?

Dr Timothy Biggins-Taylor: It were bloody dross.

[ LOCATION: student house ]

FRIDAY 22nd MARCH: ON SET

Jason: [ whispers ]

Stuart: [ whispers ] I don't know, and I don't care. It's gonna have to go, I mean...
[ raises his voice ] Emma. Darling. We were just discussing your costume. Erm, we think you... you need something more, um, more...

Jason: Staid.

Stuart: Staid! Uh, yes, staid! To, uh, show the difference between your character's outward appearance of stability, but burning inner conflict!

Emma: Okay. My housemate has got this god-awful royal blue thing. I'll just go and get it, back in a minute.

Jason: Hmmm... I hope it's not dry-clean only, 'cause the budget's non-existent as it is, and we've still got to cover you in Dan's gran's soup... tupperware... Stu?

[ he opens the tub of soup ]

Stuart: Uh, yeah. We had a similar problem on 'Avante Garde Pornography' ...um, actor's problems with their own body image. It was just too much hassle. So we nearly gave up, but that's when we hit upon the whole avante-garde aspect of the film. Experimental and random approach, shot blindfolded, to the collective consciousness's bombardment by pornography...

Jason: [ sniffs ] It's gone off...

[ FILM: darkened montage of flailing limbs with glimpses of breasts and buttocks ]

AVANTE GARDE PORN (2001)

(v/o): ...mmmm... straight in there... fantastic... it does work, then... yeah... oh it does, yeah, absolutely... mmmm, very frisky... mmmm, yeah... lovely... happy?... very... mmmm... we've all learnt something today...

[ LOCATION: darkened interview room ]

VOICE DISGUISED TO PROTECT IDENTITY

Girl: Then my name came up on the credits. I was mobbed.

Guy: I was run out of Aberystwyth.

Girl: My parents never spoke to me again.

Guy: I was caught shoplifting three weeks later.

Girl: My alcohol problem stems from that. What did you think?

Mark (v/o): Me? Erm... great.

Guy: Yeah? I thought my ass looked great too.

[ LOCATION: university office ]

Dr Timothy Biggins-Taylor: Complete and utter unadulterated dross.


[ LOCATION: bar lounge, drinking ]

SATURDAY 23rd MARCH: PRODUCTION MEETING

Stuart: The department suggested that we make our next film a little more... conservative.

Jason: So I suggested we make it about a bunch of nuns.

Stuart: But, they didn't like the anal scene with the monks and the cruxifixes, and the nipple clamps and the sheep... so, we couldn't cut that out: It was paramount to the plot.

Jason: Yeah. So I suggested we turn it into a love story instead.

[ FILM: girl discovers cuddly toy in shed, drinks wine and goes on a picnic with it ]

PURPLE HEADED MONSTER (2001)

Stuart (v/o): I don't know whether it came out as Jase intended...

Jason (v/o): No, not really. Quite a sweet film though, I thought.

Stuart (v/o): Hardly up with the great romances, though. Brett and Scarlet. Tom and Meg. Darcy and Elizabeth. Tango and Cash.

[ LOCATION: bar lounge, drunk ]

Jason: Well, what do you expect with Emma?

Mark (v/o): Didn't you say you thought she was great?

Stuart: He did? You did?

Jason: Such a fibber...

Stuart: Aw, J... he's right thought. Girl can't act for shit. And those clothes.

Jason: Don't fucking start man, she's well minging.

Stuart: Aw, no... I think she's quite a fine piece of ass, in many respects...

Jason: Aw, rough as assholes mate. I wouldn't touch her with yours.

Stuart: Well, you know... takes different strokes to move the world...

[ glances down at his trousers, which Eddy is clinging to ]

...look, will you pack it in?

Jason: Let's get a curry! [ they stand up and walk out of shot ]

[ LOCATION: student house ]

SUNDAY 24th MARCH: ON SET.

Eddy: Ugh, that put me off snakebite for life.

Stuart: Too fucking right, mate. I thought I was puking up blood.

Jason: Mmmmm, it's okay... we've only got to shoot the last scene today...

Stuart: Yeah, what happened to you last night, Marky-boy? Did you get laid?

Mark (v/o): Well I, uh, I've been meaning to tell you... last night I—

Emma: BARSTAHDS! If you thought I was crap, why did you ask me to be in your SHIT FILM?!

Jason: Emma, darling, what'd'you mean?

[ Alicia comes through the door and walks past with a cup of tea ]

Emma: I had a very nice evening with Mark last night, and he told me everything! Personal remarks about my looks are below the belt, it's none of your business!

Stuart: But... Emma, we think you're very attractive... in fact, you're gorgeous!

Emma: I know you do, you slimy, pervy, unfaithful BARSTAHD! Find someone else to be in your masterpiece... I'm gone...

[ she storms out ]


Jason: It's alright mate... half our fault for saying it in the first place... aye, we're fucked now...

[ he turns to pack up the camera ]

Stuart: Uh, Alicia. Darling.

Jason: [ whispers ] It's never going to work. He knows she hates being in films. We should get him in a wig... [ he turns the camera on ]

Alicia: No! No, I won't be in your film! I know what she was talking about!

Stuart: Look, look, no... please... please, do it for me!

Alicia: No! I don't want to see you anymore!

Stuart: [ grabbing her arm ] No, don't!

[ she slaps him and they engage in a protracted kung-fu fight, which involves nunchukas and a stare-out, until both of them are knocked unconscious in a joint headbutt ]

Jason: Fucking wicked! Fantastic! Much better than the pissy ending we had! ...uh, you guys okay?

[ SCENE: Alica in Karate Kid pose on wooden pier ]

ALICIA WENT TO THE BEACH TO FIND MR. MIYAGI


[ SCENE: Emma dancing in a dark club ]

EMMA WENT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD BUT GOT STUCK IN IBIZA



[ SCENE: Eddy sitting on rock being watched via telescope ]

EDDY NOW WORKS IN THE LARGEST PINHOLE CAMERA IN THE WORLD



[ SCENE: Stuart & Jason dressed as cinema attendants outside the Arts Centre theatre ]

STUART AND JASON GOT JOBS IN THE INDUSTRY

| cast |

stuart / pete williams
jason / gaz allman
emma / louise durant
eddy / jonny perfect
alicia / lisa furness

| and featured |

jez / phil h / mark h / anna p t / tim / dani m / anthony d / fraisia b / kate s
s. denyer / isabella-margeurite hughes / dan j / laura s / jim s

| crew |

make-up effects / louise durant
music / jezworth the first
runner / karen dawe
sound / phil hitchman (lisa furness)
camera / sam taylor
script, editing, directing / mark horne

| thanks to |

muz, dorian, andy, jimmy, greg, aberystwyth arts centre, the cast n crew

© mark horne / uwa, 2002

[ LOCATION: university office ]

Dr Timothy Biggins-Taylor: Complete and utter ...unadulturated... CUNTING DROSS!


The End

Audio sample of the last line: jez_dross.mp3 [26Kb]